Today is "Birthday Eve" for me.
Last year's birthday (detailed in my November 23, 2013 post) was so much different than the one I'll be having tomorrow.
Last year I was a month out from my 2nd surgery, on an amazing first date, loving my job, in good shape and enjoying being an aunt to my then 3-month old nephew.
This year I am 13 months out from that 2nd surgery, single with no prospects, in need of new job, 20 pounds heavier and my 15-month old nephew lives in another state...and I am running out of "give a cares".
Somewhere I lost that thing I had that made me do yoga, exercise, eat well, socialize in public places and give a care (aka give a shit).
Pity party? Table for one?
I need a new job and have been struggling to find a new job. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but when the thing that you have done for over 17 years doesn't see you as qualified it sucks! I've been in the same field, in different arenas, for all those years, but my Bachelor's degree is in the "wrong" field and my Master's work doesn't count because it too is in the "wrong" field. Oh, and let's not forget that I do not speak a 2nd language. I did start my career at the bottom, I did work hard and I worked my way to promotions.
I'm "over qualified" for some positions so I've been told, don't have the right degree for others and loose points because I don't speak Spanish. I just wish all those years of work counted for something - the things I learned at work, in my 3 jobs over those 17 years, cannot be taught in a classroom, but that doesn't seem to matter.
I am not giving up; however, I have put a time limit on my job search - if I don't have a new job by a set date, I'll will end up moving (yep, move in with my brother, sis n law and nephew several states away from here). Choosing to move and having to move are two very different things. My brother has been telling me to move in with them since the day they drove away with the moving truck - as he says, there is a bedroom waiting for me whenever I want it.
To make all this even more interesting, I have not told my brother, parents nor many friends that I am miserable and need a new job. I am not happy about my situation and I'm trying to hide it as best as I can. Trying to explain to my family that I choose to take another job, instead of leaving and moving in with my brother, will likely label me as "selfish". My brother once agreed with my mother that I was "selfish" and then he told me about that conversation. It was years ago, but I can't get it out of my head. The thought that my brother did think/ would think I am selfish is a very unpleasant weight that I carry.
So I am waiting....for a phone call with a job offer, for my "give a cares" to come back, for my stalled life to get started again and for a glimpse of the big picture that is supposed to be mine.
Is this where I should say, "well at least I have my health"?
My last mammogram was clear, but I did not do the yearly MRI this time (detailed in my March 9, 2014 post). Since I'm trying to find new job, I'll likely be without health insurance for a month or more so I won't be doing this year's MRI or any other medical appointments. Hopefully, I'll have a new job that provides health insurance without a long wait time/ probation phase then I can make up for the missed appointments (MRI and gyn).
I guess, in a way, I just listed all the things I don't have, but here's what I do have: a roof over my head, food, enough money to make ends meet, new job prospects, a family that cares and the most amazing and supportive friends!
Maybe tomorrow morning, my birthday, I'll wake up to find my that my "give a cares" have come back and there will be good news and a new start for this year.
A girl can dream...........
(This entry was originally posted on July 24, 2014, but a few days later I removed this post. I'm not exactly sure why I did that, but this is a part of my story so it seemed only right to re-post it - the good, the bad and the ugly. -- October 11, 2014)
Showing posts with label post ovarian surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post ovarian surgery. Show all posts
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Saturday, November 23, 2013
The Birthday Goal
Surgery was June 28 and my birthday was the end of July
I wasn't tip-top, back to normal on my birthday, but I did have most of my strength back. I could manage a full-day at work without feeling like I was 90+ years old at the end of the day. I had gotten up to a 1 mile walk (before I felt weak and my insides started feeling pulled and tight). I still could not do ab workouts and I had to be careful with the yoga and certain positions were off limits.
So, basically I was doing pretty well and I was able to go out and celebrate my birthday!
What I didn't plan on was looking pregnant for a few weeks and not having any clothes that fit. I had not gained weight from eating, but I was still holding fluid from the surgery. It seemed that my ab area had become a canteen and my body thought I was in the desert. My ob/gyn said that the fluid should have been absorbed (dealt with) by my body by the time I saw her for post-surgery check up two weeks later; however, par for my course, that was not the case. She did give me a prescription diuretic. I took one pill that night and was practically a new person the next day.
My pants were no longer squeezing the breath out of me, leaving marks and the pressure and discomfort in my ab area was greatly reduced. Now, I really was feeling better.
I did have a great birthday - one that I won't forget. I went on a first date. I met someone a few months earlier and we had been talking and texting almost daily, but had not yet been on a date (oh, I should clarify - he lived out of town, so we couldn't see each other without advanced planning).
He decided that he wanted our first date to be on my birthday. I thought it was a bold move and I liked the fact that he was up for the "challenge" of my birthday and first date happening simultaneously.
Highlights: good restaurant, bourbon tasting, talked for hours, stayed in the restaurant for about three to four hours and had no idea we'd been there that long, great kisser.
You can't predict how or when you tell someone that you've had breast cancer surgery and a surgery where you lost one ovary and both fallopian tubes. You don't know how they'll respond or what their reaction will be to this information. It's not like I run around with a billboard that screams "I had cancer and two surgeries". I have told very few people (yeah, I realize how odd that may seem when blog about my cancer experience) and I don't tell unless there is a really good reason to share.
If there is a possibility of an intimate situation occurring with someone, I have to tell - can't hide it. And, I have shared the news ahead of time and not waited until some awkward pause in the "heat of the moment" so to speak. For those of you keeping track, the guy I mentioned in the April 2013 entry, Extra Extra: Good News, had gone to "friend only" status. After several months it was pretty clear that it wasn't going to work out between us - moving on.....
The "birthday first date guy" and I continued to see each other and things seemed to be going well.
November brought the end of that relationship, emotional and stress eating, very busy time at work and the year mark for my mammogram.
Things start and some things stop and some things are a cycle............
I wasn't tip-top, back to normal on my birthday, but I did have most of my strength back. I could manage a full-day at work without feeling like I was 90+ years old at the end of the day. I had gotten up to a 1 mile walk (before I felt weak and my insides started feeling pulled and tight). I still could not do ab workouts and I had to be careful with the yoga and certain positions were off limits.
So, basically I was doing pretty well and I was able to go out and celebrate my birthday!
What I didn't plan on was looking pregnant for a few weeks and not having any clothes that fit. I had not gained weight from eating, but I was still holding fluid from the surgery. It seemed that my ab area had become a canteen and my body thought I was in the desert. My ob/gyn said that the fluid should have been absorbed (dealt with) by my body by the time I saw her for post-surgery check up two weeks later; however, par for my course, that was not the case. She did give me a prescription diuretic. I took one pill that night and was practically a new person the next day.
My pants were no longer squeezing the breath out of me, leaving marks and the pressure and discomfort in my ab area was greatly reduced. Now, I really was feeling better.
I did have a great birthday - one that I won't forget. I went on a first date. I met someone a few months earlier and we had been talking and texting almost daily, but had not yet been on a date (oh, I should clarify - he lived out of town, so we couldn't see each other without advanced planning).
He decided that he wanted our first date to be on my birthday. I thought it was a bold move and I liked the fact that he was up for the "challenge" of my birthday and first date happening simultaneously.
Highlights: good restaurant, bourbon tasting, talked for hours, stayed in the restaurant for about three to four hours and had no idea we'd been there that long, great kisser.
You can't predict how or when you tell someone that you've had breast cancer surgery and a surgery where you lost one ovary and both fallopian tubes. You don't know how they'll respond or what their reaction will be to this information. It's not like I run around with a billboard that screams "I had cancer and two surgeries". I have told very few people (yeah, I realize how odd that may seem when blog about my cancer experience) and I don't tell unless there is a really good reason to share.
If there is a possibility of an intimate situation occurring with someone, I have to tell - can't hide it. And, I have shared the news ahead of time and not waited until some awkward pause in the "heat of the moment" so to speak. For those of you keeping track, the guy I mentioned in the April 2013 entry, Extra Extra: Good News, had gone to "friend only" status. After several months it was pretty clear that it wasn't going to work out between us - moving on.....
The "birthday first date guy" and I continued to see each other and things seemed to be going well.
November brought the end of that relationship, emotional and stress eating, very busy time at work and the year mark for my mammogram.
Things start and some things stop and some things are a cycle............
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