Thursday, July 24, 2014

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes" (posted, removed and re-posted)

Today is "Birthday Eve" for me.

Last year's birthday (detailed in my November 23, 2013 post) was so much different than the one I'll be having tomorrow.
Last year I was a month out from my 2nd surgery, on an amazing first date, loving my job, in good shape and enjoying being an aunt to my then 3-month old nephew.
This year I am 13 months out from that 2nd surgery, single with no prospects, in need of new job, 20 pounds heavier and my 15-month old nephew lives in another state...and I am running out of "give a cares".
Somewhere I lost that thing I had that made me do yoga, exercise, eat well, socialize in public places and give a care (aka give a shit).

Pity party? Table for one?

I need a new job and have been struggling to find a new job. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but when the thing that you have done for over 17 years doesn't see you as qualified it sucks! I've been in the same field, in different arenas, for all those years, but my Bachelor's degree is in the "wrong" field and my Master's work doesn't count because it too is in the "wrong" field. Oh, and let's not forget that I do not speak a 2nd language. I did start my career at the bottom, I did work hard and I worked my way to promotions.
I'm "over qualified" for some positions so I've been told, don't have the right degree for others and loose points because I don't speak Spanish. I just wish all those years of work counted for something - the things I learned at work, in my 3 jobs over those 17 years, cannot be taught in a classroom, but that doesn't seem to matter.

I am not giving up; however, I have put a time limit on my job search - if I don't have a new job by a set date, I'll will end up moving (yep, move in with my brother, sis n law and nephew several states away from here). Choosing to move and having to move are two very different things. My brother has been telling me to move in with them since the day they drove away with the moving truck - as he says, there is a bedroom waiting for me whenever I want it.

To make all this even more interesting, I have not told my brother, parents nor many friends that I am miserable and need a new job.  I am not happy about my situation and I'm trying to hide it as best as I can. Trying to explain to my family that I choose to take another job, instead of leaving and moving in with my brother, will likely label me as "selfish". My brother once agreed with my mother that I was "selfish" and then he told me about that conversation. It was years ago, but I can't get it out of my head. The thought that my brother did think/ would think I am selfish is a very unpleasant weight that I carry.

So I am waiting....for a phone call with a job offer, for my "give a cares" to come back, for my stalled life to get started again and for a glimpse of the big picture that is supposed to be mine.

Is this where I should say, "well at least I have my health"?

My last mammogram was clear, but I did not do the yearly MRI this time (detailed in my March 9, 2014 post). Since I'm trying to find new job, I'll likely be without health insurance for a month or more so I won't be doing this year's MRI or any other medical appointments.  Hopefully, I'll have a new job that provides health insurance without a long wait time/ probation phase then I can make up for the missed appointments (MRI and gyn).

I guess, in a way, I just listed all the things I don't have, but here's what I do have:  a roof over my head, food, enough money to make ends meet, new job prospects, a family that cares and the most amazing and supportive friends!

Maybe tomorrow morning, my birthday, I'll wake up to find my that my "give a cares" have come back and there will be good news and a new start for this year.

A girl can dream...........

(This entry was originally posted on July 24, 2014, but a few days later I removed this post. I'm not exactly sure why I did that, but this is a part of my story so it seemed only right to re-post it - the good, the bad and the ugly. --  October 11, 2014)

1 comment:

  1. Happy (??) birthday. You sound very low, I really hope there's someone to help 'pick' you up. Hoping for a sunnier future where you won't feel so 'blah.'