Eight Months Down

April 22, 2011 - day of surgery
December 22, 2011 - day of follow up: MRI and mammogram, appointments with oncologist and surgeon
December 23, 2011 - phone call results: huge sigh of relief; all tests were good/clear

It was exactly 8 months to the day from my surgery that I was back in the hospital for that MRI and mammogram. (yes, normally these things are done about 6 months post-surgery but if you change jobs or insurance that doesn't work out......and that's a whole different blog topic).
I never expected to be so scared, nervous or anxious at the MRI and mammogram. I felt fine and everything looked fine, but the wave that hit when I had to get in that hospital gown was unrelenting. I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry, scream, laugh or what...I never expected all those feelings and fear. Yes, fear - shear, unadulterated fear!

The "what-if" wheels started turning.
And I couldn't stop them.

Then I remembered what my brother said to me when I was deciding about chemo, "will you look in the mirror everyday and wonder if you have cancer?". I told myself no back then and I told myself no as I was rolled into that MRI machine and again as the radiologist reviewed my mammogram results.
I left the hospital feeling shaky and a little unsure, but the phone call the next day relieved all of that.
I don't need another mammogram until March 2012 and no MRI until December 2012.

I'll still see my oncologist every 3 months and I'll still take Tamoxifen everyday and I'll be grateful everyday.